Most years, I spent December 30 and 31 with the discipline of a Type A control freak, sorting through my Good Things Jar, choosing my word for the year, writing out my vision, and mapping out that vision on a board. It was all very orchestrated and satisfying as I charted my course and sailed my ships, Predictability and Precision. Sometimes the water was stormy, but I could usually right things back to plan.
In late 2017, in a moment of ultimate cleverness, I chose the word “break” for my word for 2018. It was PERFECT. I was going to “break the script” for myself and my clients. I was going to “brake” more for self reflection. I was going to take more “breaks” to write and live. John and I were “breaking” from our current reality to buy a home in Beaufort. Boy, did I have it all together. What a strategy! It was a football huddle call, ready, set, BREAK!
The philosophy of a yearly “one word” is that when you put your word out into the universe with intention and desire, it will manifest itself into your life. The suggestion becomes the reality.
What I failed to consider with the word break is what would happen late September of 2018, when my cancer diagnosis would leave me “broken.” Think dropping a dozen eggs, yoke and shell, scrambled.
Late 2018 did not inspire a word for 2019. I was trying to recover from two surgeries, scrapping with Blue Cross for a treatment that might save my life, and hounding my surgeon for a release date so that I could exercise before I lost my mind and took my suppressed energy out on the hostages I was considering taking.
2019 got no preliminary love at all. The plan was one of basic survival, a left foot, now right foot sort of living. I am not sorry to see the calendar turn to 2020. And, even with all of this, it does not mean good ole number ‘19 was without meaning or escapes description. I am giving 2019 a posthumous word: amazing. My Good Things jar is brimming.
Some of the highlights include: Ryann completing her first year of college; Riley going back to school after a two year break; Moving to Beaufort; Reclaiming my running legs and spirit; Meeting great new friends, especially my ride or die, Tiffany; Trips to Austin, Chicago, San Antonio, Bahamas; Heart conversations; So many prayers; So many tears; So much love; Physical, spiritual, emotional, intellectual humility; Deeper marriage with my smokin’ hot love biscuit.
Most days of 2019 I saw the sun rise over the Atlantic and set over Taylor’s Creek. I drank a lot of wine and belly laughed. With the governor lifted, the veil of mortality forever shifted, I have lived more wholly and fully than any of my previous years. Many things roll right on through the “shit that doesn’t matter” filter, making room for life, glorious life.
I am back on my game now. I have a word and a board and a plan for 2020. I am late with it because I was busy living at the end of December. I wasn’t going to force the word. I knew that with patience and reflection, it would arrive in good time.
The first word that showed up was lens. I was so proud. It’s a multi-purpose word. It could be magnifying or telescopic. It could be a microscope or it could be rose-colored. It could be bi or tri-focaled. It could be binoculars or sunglasses. It could be black out tinted or shatterproof! Ahhhhh, the potential. Don’t you just love that word? Bummer that it never fit right in my heart.
Then, just like that, on January 5, (days past my former control freak deadline,) running in the warm rain across the Atlantic Beach bridge the word “here” was whispered in my soul. I laughed. Right there at mile seven, with the drops soaking my sneakers, I felt such joy. Perfection is over-rated. Life is messy. It’s a rainy run. It’s the time you fell or spilled something or messed up the recipe or got lost and found the water fall. It’s carpe chocolate martini!
My Pilates trainer, Molly, told me once, “You should be as flexible as you are strong and as strong as you are flexible.” Metaphorically, I have spent most of my life lifting the weights and skipping the yoga. Both are important, I just didn’t understand how important. So I left lens for another day and chose what was gifted to me on that bridge.
I am here. As my brother Nigel would say, “Another good day above ground.”
I will be wherever here takes me in 2020, fully present, less on a screen, more in the space of our beautiful, broken world.
I will hear what is around me, words, birds, wind, rain.
And to be here and to hear; for those precious things that I previously, carelessly took for granted, I am most grateful.
Here, hear, my friends; here, hear.
Awesome words, as is your gift! So much love for you!
Brilliant, heart-felt words as always Em…sending our love, prayers, and hope that
we "HEAR" from you here in the ‘Boro!!!
love
anita and mark
Cousin John said “Amazing” after I read to him. He also fondly remembers your daddy writing stories and poems and thoughts.
I too loved it!
Beautiful. You have a gift. Many gifts, but your words are captivating and heartfelt. Love you (and John)
Thank you for sharing. Never considered a word for the year. Thank you for sharing the gift…or should I say “present”…of your wisdom, and for being here.
You’re so gifted – the fav
I am reading this right before bed….and just love this. Laughed about your word change. And what a most appropriate one that called you. I was thinking of my word GIVE for this year, and after an insanely difficult few months, I woke up this morning feeling terribly guilty that I couldn’t give more to my dad, my kids, my husband…felt “gived” out. Then thought how my word for the year has already exhausted me and it’s only mid-Jan, HA! Maybe I should change mine too. Good thing I am quick to feel rejuvenated. Thank you for always being such an inspiration to me. Love how you write…it’s like your sitting across from my having a cup of hot tea:) Love you