In A Short Guide to a Happy Life, Anna Quindlen references the death of her mother as the dividing line between viewing the world in black and white and seeing in Technicolor. I relate to Quindlen as today marks the anniversary of seeing the world more brightly, through changed eyes, heart, soul. The one-year mark of my own private D-Day (diagnosis day,) when John and I stumbled out of a doctor’s office into a brazenly lit, sunny afternoon with the unknown looming as only a biopsy would confirm if I would be dead within the year or eligible for treatment.
I caught a big break when the biopsy surprised us all with a rare form of cancer. Think Steve Jobs and Aretha Franklin with new research, pharma and FDA approval at their side. While the doctors don’t think I will ever be cancer free, I am a living, running, cycling, skipping, joy-filled rendition of life interrupted, not destroyed.
I am typing this blog with such reverence. I don’t think I am anything special. I am an athletic, healthy person. I look back with some regret over the years I spent eating kale instead of mac & cheese. Genetics and pathology brought me here. Prayers and luck and God’s grace brought me here. In no way do I stand in judgment of people who have lost the battle to cancer or any other illness. We are all warriors in this life – fighting the best we can with what we have. I am a humble soldier that ended up with a solid hand of cards, so I GET to go onward. To quote my friend, Gloria Alston, “This happened through me, not to me.” What I choose to do with the Technicolor is up to me.
I bought a wooden BELIEVE sign years ago and hung it on the wall in my office. It draped with meaning over my dream sign. Dream and believe, that’s how I roll.
Believe was first fractured when lighting struck my house, taking out all thing technological and knocking BELIEVE off the wall, a clean break between the l and i. Insurance replaced the technology and I glued BELIEVE back together at the seam, barely remembering it was ever broken.
What are the odds that lightning would strike my house a second time – almost the same place – and knock out my technology and bring that sign once again to its knees? This time the break between the e and the v. (That question is rhetorical because I don’t know the odds but I am thinking it is pretty darn unlikely. Insurance didn’t like the odds either and canceled me.) Yet, once again, BELIEVE and I had a date with Gorilla Glue and we kept on keeping on.
I don’t really know much about life other than to show up every day and play hard. It is how I have always been wired. Set goals and get after it. The driver in me has never understood the underachiever. But, that was before this important year, back when my fleet of vehicles included a bulldozer rather than a school bus. Now, I am driving a different mode of transportation for a different reason. There is room for all and we can go any speed because what is the damn hurry anyways?
What I believe has been altered and tattered and now flies full and free.
During the week that I spent unsure of my biopsy results, God and I talked, pretty much without ceasing. I have made my living as a corporate trainer and spawn from a long line of wheeling, dealing, horse traders. In my career, I have taught thousands of people how to handle objections and be stronger negotiators. In the grand scheme of things, my negotiations with God were simple.
God, please let me move to Beaufort with John.
God, please let me see Ryann finish her first year of college.
God, please let me find ways to let Riley know how much I love her.
God, please let me find the right leader for my team.
God, please let me laugh as much as possible with my friends.
God, please let me live fully and wholly.
God, please let me fill the cup of others.
God, please let me hold the lantern for those who follow me.
God, please, let me live every day with the belief that there will be another and the awareness that there might not be.
God, let me live to be the beacon of how to live like you are dying.
Thank you, God, for this year of negotiations won.
This has been a long, hard, important time. I have endured many scars and shed many tears. I have been sad and afraid and encouraged and grateful. I have been buoyed by the love of friends and family, suspended in the air of kindness. I have been prone on the couch unable to walk more than a few feet and I have run 10 miles with ease.
I have had dark, scary thoughts and have learned not to believe everything you think. For what you believe runs deeper than the continental divide between black and white and the deeper hues of ROYGBIV. It is cellular and soulular.
Life and the things you BELIEVE can fall from the wall and break into pieces. As long as you have glue, a chance, and the wings of a prayer, look for the means to put yourself back together and really live fully in Humpty Dumpty style Technicolor.
I love this for so many reasons. Thank you for sharing what you’re learning to help us live better lives and to help us believe.
Always the flashlight in the darkness Emily! You continue to light and inspire. Thanks for sharing your prayers.